I came across this beautiful piece yesterday on Daily trust and decided to pass the message around. With the increasing number of divorce cases in our society, i humbly think this piece is wonderful, timely and i recommend it to all and sundry.
Written by Sikirat Shehu, Ilorin
In order to have a happy and successful marital life, salient factors are required to establish fruitful relationship between couples.
Imam Mustapha Zayed, an Ilorin based Islamic cleric, explained that the major factor for a successful marriage lies in selecting the right partner; “If a spouse was successful in finding a good husband or wife, then the continued success and fruits of that marriage are simply a matter of tolerance. Couples should rely on tolerance, as there is the likelihood of discovering bad manners in the spouse that is unknown prior to the marriage. For example, the wife may be lazy, proud or hot tempered while the husband may be weak sexually, hard hearted, snores irritably or arrogant. All these can be surmounted if tolerance exists between them,” he said
He said if we understand that everyone makes mistake, then it would be logical to forgive one’s spouse, adding that if either the husband or wife gets irritated rightfully or for an unacceptable reason, he or she must still be the same beloved husband or wife in the end otherwise risking the entire relationship for that moment of anger is as ridiculous as that mother who cries when her own beloved child is also shedding tears of pain.
“Also, positive communication between spouses is vital. Couples ought to communicate their feelings and how to resolve problems between them in a polite way, like ‘don’t you think it is better we do this that way or what is your opinion on this’ as the accumulated residuals of lack of communication can backfire in an irreparable way. “Those who spend in good and bad times, swallow their anger, pardon and forgive people, Allah likes those who excel in their deed,” (Al-Imam 3:159) he said.
The Islamic cleric said a story that symbolizes this fact happened in his family when his aunt finished preparing dinner for her husband, and repeatedly called him to come and eat but the husband was busy reading a newspaper and kept telling her that he was coming.
“After sometime, the wife got angry, walked straight to him, snatched the paper and tore it. In reaction her husband quietly bent down, gathered the newspaper pieces, brought scotch tape and patiently taped them together without blaming his wife. My aunt told me that her husband’s politeness in response to her anger was worse than somebody whipping her mercilessly. She felt so ashamed and respected him more for forgiving and tolerating her in that way,” he narrated.
According to Imam Zayed, the husband in his reaction had not only saved the couple and their marriage from potential disaster, but also opened a guaranteed credit of forgiveness with his wife.
Pastor Ademola Popoola of Cherubim and Seraphim Movement Church Ilorin said marriage is a call from God and anybody who answers must give marriage back to Him through endurance and squarely facing challenges in marriage.
He said before a couple gets married, they should be well acquainted with what marriage entails and what is expected of them as husband and wife, added with investigations on their compatibility,
“Marriage is only enjoyable after 20 years. The first five to 10 years of marriage is a time of knowing. The spouses cannot know each other until about 10 years and that is when they get acquainted with their weaknesses, incompatibility and other things that are likely to be discordant issues between them. From 10 to 20 years, they begin to really work on their differences and from 20 years upward they enjoy their marriage,” he explained.
The cleric said that due to some inadequacies in marriage, prayer should be given utmost priority by the couples. “They need to pray so that God can help them in relating with each other peacefully and also maintain a happy home,” he advised.
A public analyst, Mr. Aminullahi Danzaki, observed that if a man and a lady of different characters decide to cohabit, it takes a lot for the two to make success out of the union called marriage.
He said socially, the two parties need to be responsible and courtship must exist before marriage follows. “During that time, they should study each other and, be sincere and faithful to their conscience. If courtship lacks sincerity and the union goes on to be consummated, in the future there will be problems. Socializing in marriage is paramount, in that, you have to study the weaknesses of the other party, as well as listening; then, you ask yourself ‘can I cope with this weaknesses’?” he said.
The analyst said the maturity of both parties also means a lot because if one marries at the wrong time there will be crisis. “Parents should give their children early education so that they can finish their first degree between the ages of 21 – 25 and get married. Parents must inculcate the fear of God in their children to guide them through their lives. Inclusively, there should be age gap of 5 -10 years between them. The husband should be the senior in all ramifications so as to have control over his home.”
He added that above all, a woman should be humble and submit herself to the will of her husband, likewise a man whose wife is submissive should fear God by not cheating on her.
A couple, Mr. and Mrs. Salaudeen, who have been married for 32 years, shared their experiences with Home front saying, endurance is the key factor to build a successful marital life.
“We are happily married with six children. My wife is lenient, soft hearted, sharp, caring and jovial. But when she gets angry, you can hardly control her. We love ourselves and I never regret marrying her because she understands, endures, and copes with every situation we face,” explained Mr Salaudeen.
He said they relate with real love and settle issues or misunderstandings themselves. “Both husband and wife should pray at all times for God’s guidance and control over the affairs of their union. The man should be calm and take things lightly with his wife,” he said.
Mrs. Salaudeen on her part described her husband as gentle, humble and God fearing. “He cares for me and the children; he ensures we do not lack anything at home. We share joy, happiness, and at times sad moments. I see nothing I dislike about him. Couples should put their marital affairs in the hands of God. Women should be courteous and speak in polite ways with their husbands, embrace them and take good care of the children,” she said.
She said women should at all times cover up for their husbands, “for instance, when he doesn’t have money, the wife should fill that gap, she should not say after all he did not give me money so, I will not prepare any food. They should not compare their family with others that may be richer and young girls must not go for materialism in marriage,” she advised.