Love and marital life

To love means to commit oneself without guarantee, to give oneself completely in the hope that our love will produce love in the loved person. Love is an act of faith, and whoever is of little faith is also of little love

-Enrich Fromm, “the Art of loving”

Most of us love with conditions predicated upon gains we seek from the other. It’s one of the worst forms of selfishness because it masquerades as selflessness. Love is something that transcends being based on how the other behaves. But I strongly believe that when you see love with your heart, you shall find its echoes in the universe.

Last weekend, I visited a relation and unknown to me; it was his wife’s birthday. They decided to spend the whole day at home with their baby girl. He cancelled his journey to Asaba just to be with his wife on her special day. After all the cake and juice drinking, we took pictures with the birthday lady. Later on, we sat together as he narrates the story of how he met his wife at a friend’s wedding. He said when he first saw her; he knew immediately that she was one made for him. After 3 years and a half of courtship, they decided to get married. Now 6 years don waka, dey still dey carry go, nobody waka, nobody go solo. Indeed, love is just simply magic.

In the same vein, I remember some weeks ago, my neighbour’s wife of 4 years travelled home to see her family. 3 days after she had left, I met the husband and teasingly asked him how he’s coping with life without his beloved wife. To my greatest surprise, he said to me that life is even better and sweeter without her because now for days, no quarrels, no insults and all those nightmares at has become his everyday reality.

The two different scenarios gave me the true picture of life, love and marital life. Most young people think love and marriage is that corporate romanticisation of lust we see in bollywood movies. Sorry to disappoint you, it’s more than that. It takes hard work and commitment from both sides of the coin.

According to my brother Gimba Kakanda, we watch too many Nollywood movies and they are polluting our minds. Listen, there is nothing like as a compatible couples; relationships are simply acts of compromises and sacrifices. No two people in this world were born with the same values, emotions and feelings. What we call love is just a decision to stomach each other’s eccentricities.

My good friend, who has been dating a certain lady since our first year in the university, recently told me that he’s planning on breaking up with her. I told him that I’m disappointed in him and he replied that you can’t just believe whatever you see. In his words, I’m still a novice when it comes to women.

Well to me, I think love is something that is truly natural. When you’re in love, people can easily see it from the looks in your eyes, from the words you speak, from the smiles on your face and in the sanity of thoughts.

I’m pretty sure Mrs. Muntasir is somewhere or some near. May be I’ve met her already but only God knows. I’m learning how to be best husband and father the world has ever seen. In my wonderness, I believe that Eve, the first woman created by God is not as beautiful as you are. Together, we shall work on our weaknesses. I feel that our baby, if we make one, is safe in your arms and likely to inherit your IQ. Also he/she will be perfect, perfect like you are.

A woman is not like an earthen pot which we try by tapping to see which one is stronger. But I’m sure you are strong woman not necessarily physically, but emotionally and psychologically. With you by my side, the sky can only be our starting point by God’s grace.

If you are only as good as the company you keep, then I’m going to blame you for all they will say about me. By the grace of our Creator, you will be my best friend, soul mate, confidant, special adviser and my primus inteperes (first among equals). And when people ask me about you, I’d say I’m your musician and you’re favourite song.

Recipes for successful marital life

I came across this beautiful piece yesterday on Daily trust and decided to pass the message around. With the increasing number of divorce cases in our society, i humbly think this piece is wonderful, timely and i recommend it to all and sundry.

Written by Sikirat Shehu, Ilorin

In order to have a happy and successful marital life, salient factors are required to establish fruitful relationship between couples.

Imam Mustapha Zayed, an Ilorin based Islamic cleric, explained that the major factor for a successful marriage lies in selecting the right partner; “If a spouse was successful in finding a good husband or wife, then the continued success and fruits of that marriage are simply a matter of tolerance. Couples should rely on tolerance, as there is the likelihood of discovering bad manners in the spouse that is unknown prior to the marriage. For example, the wife may be lazy, proud or hot tempered while the husband may be weak sexually, hard hearted, snores irritably or arrogant. All these can be surmounted if tolerance exists between them,” he said
He said if we understand that everyone makes mistake, then it would be logical to forgive one’s spouse, adding that if either the husband or wife gets irritated rightfully or for an unacceptable reason, he or she must still be the same beloved husband or wife in the end otherwise risking the entire relationship for that moment of anger is as ridiculous as that mother who cries when her own beloved child is also shedding tears of pain.
“Also, positive communication between spouses is vital. Couples ought to communicate their feelings and how to resolve problems between them in a polite way, like ‘don’t you think it is better we do this that way or what is your opinion on this’ as the accumulated residuals of lack of communication can backfire in an irreparable way. “Those who spend in good and bad times, swallow their anger, pardon and forgive people, Allah likes those who excel in their deed,” (Al-Imam 3:159) he said.
The Islamic cleric said a story that symbolizes this fact happened in his family when his aunt finished preparing dinner for her husband, and repeatedly called him to come and eat but the husband was busy reading a newspaper and kept telling her that he was coming.
“After sometime, the wife got angry, walked straight to him, snatched the paper and tore it. In reaction her husband quietly bent down, gathered the newspaper pieces, brought scotch tape and patiently taped them together without blaming his wife. My aunt told me that her husband’s politeness in response to her anger was worse than somebody whipping her mercilessly. She felt so ashamed and respected him more for forgiving and tolerating her in that way,” he narrated.
According to Imam Zayed, the husband in his reaction had not only saved the couple and their marriage from potential disaster, but also opened a guaranteed credit of forgiveness with his wife.
Pastor Ademola Popoola of Cherubim and Seraphim Movement Church Ilorin said marriage is a call from God and anybody who answers must give marriage back to Him through endurance and squarely facing challenges in marriage.
He said before a couple gets married, they should be well acquainted with what marriage entails and what is expected of them as husband and wife, added with investigations on their compatibility,
“Marriage is only enjoyable after 20 years. The first five to 10 years of marriage is a time of knowing. The spouses cannot know each other until about 10 years and that is when they get acquainted with their weaknesses, incompatibility and other things that are likely to be discordant issues between them. From 10 to 20 years, they begin to really work on their differences and from 20 years upward they enjoy their marriage,” he explained.
The cleric said that due to some inadequacies in marriage, prayer should be given utmost priority by the couples. “They need to pray so that God can help them in relating with each other peacefully and also maintain a happy home,” he advised.
A public analyst, Mr. Aminullahi Danzaki, observed that if a man and a lady of different characters decide to cohabit, it takes a lot for the two to make success out of the union called marriage.
He said socially, the two parties need to be responsible and courtship must exist before marriage follows. “During that time, they should study each other and, be sincere and faithful to their conscience. If courtship lacks sincerity and the union goes on to be consummated, in the future there will be problems. Socializing in marriage is paramount, in that, you have to study the weaknesses of the other party, as well as listening; then, you ask yourself ‘can I cope with this weaknesses’?” he said.
The analyst said the maturity of both parties also means a lot because if one marries at the wrong time there will be crisis. “Parents should give their children early education so that they can finish their first degree between the ages of 21 – 25 and get married. Parents must inculcate the fear of God in their children to guide them through their lives. Inclusively, there should be age gap of 5 -10 years between them. The husband should be the senior in all ramifications so as to have control over his home.”
He added that above all, a woman should be humble and submit herself to the will of her husband, likewise a man whose wife is submissive should fear God by not cheating on her.
A couple, Mr. and Mrs. Salaudeen, who have been married for 32 years, shared their experiences with Home front saying, endurance is the key factor to build a successful marital life.
“We are happily married with six children. My wife is lenient, soft hearted, sharp, caring and jovial. But when she gets angry, you can hardly control her. We love ourselves and I never regret marrying her because she understands, endures, and copes with every situation we face,” explained Mr Salaudeen.
He said they relate with real love and settle issues or misunderstandings themselves. “Both husband and wife should pray at all times for God’s guidance and control over the affairs of their union. The man should be calm and take things lightly with his wife,” he said.
Mrs. Salaudeen on her part described her husband as gentle, humble and God fearing. “He cares for me and the children; he ensures we do not lack anything at home. We share joy, happiness, and at times sad moments. I see nothing I dislike about him. Couples should put their marital affairs in the hands of God. Women should be courteous and speak in polite ways with their husbands, embrace them and take good care of the children,” she said.
She said women should at all times cover up for their husbands, “for instance, when he doesn’t have money, the wife should fill that gap, she should not say after all he did not give me money so, I will not prepare any food. They should not compare their family with others that may be richer and young girls must not go for materialism in marriage,” she advised.

The illegality and return of Bar. Bala Ngilari as Governor of Adamawa State

Yesterday a new chapter to the ongoing melodrama in Adamawa politics was flipped when the court sacked Alh. Umaru Ahmed Fintiri as the acting governor of Adamawa state and declared the former deputy governor of Adamawa state Bar. Bala Ngilari as the substantive governor of the State. This was three months after he was ousted out together with his boss and former Governor Murtala Nyako.

The erstwhile Deputy Governor had filled a suit before the Federal High court in Abuja, seeking an order compelling his swearing in as the governor of the state. He had asked the court to declare his resignation letter dated July 24, 2014 and addressed to the Speaker of the House of Assembly as invalid, null and void. In his suit marked FHC/ABJ/CS/545/14, the plaintiff argued that his resignation was in breach of section 306 (1), (2) and (5) of the 1999 constitution of Federal Republic of Nigeria (as amended) because it was addressed to the Speaker and acted upon by the House of Assembly. Those sections in the constitution states thus;

1. 306(1): Save as otherwise provided in this section, any person who is appointed, elected or otherwise selected to any office established by this Constitution may resign from that office by writing under his hand addressed to the authority or person by whom he was appointed, elected or selected.
2. 306 (2) The resignation of any person from any office established by this Constitution shall take effect when the writing signifying the resignation is received by the authority or person to whom it is addressed or by any person authorised by that authority or person to receive it.
3. 306 (5) The notice of resignation of the Governor and of the Deputy Governor of a State shall respectively be addressed to the Speaker of the House of Assembly and the Governor of the State.

Justice Adeniyi Ademola, while delivering his judgment, ruled that Ngilari’s letter was written at a time when Nyako had not been been removed, thus implying that the letter ought to have gone through as then governor which it did not, thus rendering it null and void. He also therefore ruled that Ngilari be sworn in as the substantive governor of the state.

Personally, I align myself with the judgment of his lordship because to my mind, there was a breach of legislative procedure when the House of Assembly sat and approved the resignation of the then deputy governor when the governor was still in office. It was afterwards that Nyako was impeached. Since at the time the purported resignation letter was sent, Nyako  was still the governor of the state, the letter should have been address to him who in turn should forward it to the House of Assembly for due consideration. I hold this view because any breach of legislative procedure by the National Assembly or the State House of Assembly in exercising their legislative duties must be frowned at and declared illegal, null and void. The court in plethora of cases have stressed out this emphatically that any breach of legislative procedure by legislative is illegal and is declared null void. This can be seen in the case of Dariye v. Dapialong. Also in the case of A.G Federation v. Abubakar Atiku and a host of other cases. The court has proved once again as the protector of our young democracy.

This is not the end of this melodrama because the former governor Murtala Nyako’s suit challenging his impeachment is still pending in court and also the former Acting governor Umaru Fintiri has also promised to appeal his sack by the court. From my ends, my hands are crossed as we all await the next episode of this political tussle.

Spare a thought for Zainab

This life we live is obviously full of trials and tribulations for most human beings. Yet some seem to get more than their share of such travails.

Zainab Aliyu is a 21-year-old lady who suffers from a medical condition known as Non- Hodgkins lymphoma, a kind of blood cancer. Until two years ago, when she came down with the disease, Zainab was a student of the Ahmadu Bello University Zaria.
But since last year she has been receiving treatment at the International Medical Centre in Cairo, Egypt. Zainab had to have a stem-cell transplant in May this year, as part of her treatment, but it failed and as a result she suffered a relapse. Right now Zainab is undergoing a ‘Salvage Intervention chemotherapy’ in preparation for another bone-marrow transplant which she requires.
Unfortunately, all her four brothers who were willing to donate their bone-marrow for the operation have proved to be no match. She is now in search of a donor who will match. Though she has been bedridden for over a year, Zainab is still acting strong and in good spirits. Her family greatly appreciates all those who contributed to enable her to get the stem-cell transplant she had in May. They are truly grateful and wish the donors Almighty Allah’s unending reward.
The latest on Zainab’s situation is that the doctors treating her have disclosed the course of treatment needed to treat her condition.  In the next several weeks she will need to take between six to eight doses of a drug-therapy known as BRENTUXIMAB r.e. ANTI CD 30. Each course of this treatment costs 10 thousand dollars.  After a possible remission, the doctors at the International Medical Centre in Cairo hope to be able to do the bone-marrow transplant at the cost of 50 thousand dollars, because they will need to source a donor for 4O thousand dollars.
Zainab’s family obviously needs help to finance this life-saving treatment for her. We are hereby appealing to well-meaning individuals and organizations to please spare a thought for Zainab and donate whatever they can so she can get the treatment she requires. Whoever wishes to donate can contact Hajiya Sadiya on +20 115 806 1494 or Hajiya Hafsat on +20 112 627 7758.
May Almighty Allah enable you to help and may He SWT reward you abundantly, for your sacrifice.

From my own ends, I’m sparing both prayers and thoughts for Zainab

culled from Weekly Trust newspaper